Work In Progress

I’m trying to do better. I swear. I’m trying to have more patience and more grace. I’m trying not to curse or lose my temper. I’m trying to follow the same rules I expect our children to follow.

Why is it so easy as an adult to correct a child’s behavior but then make the very same mistakes that you just condemned? Our children probably don’t see it, but I try very hard to practice what I preach. I just fail… a lot.

So here I am with this huge dilemma. When the kids fight, I tell them to, not only apologize for their mistakes, but to forgive each other, and to try to do better. As an adult, however, how quick am I to actually forgive those who hurt me? How quick am I to own up to my mistakes and apologize? And am I even making an effort to change?

I have to admit, I’ve been very self-absorbed lately. Wedding planning isn’t easy. I can see why wealthy brides-to-be simply hire someone to do the work. I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out how to make it the way I want with a very tight budget. I’ve wasted a lot of tears on people that aren’t coming that I didn’t even really believe would come in the first place. I’ve barely given any thought to how difficult their situations may be. Instead, I just let old hurts triumph over new milestones.

This week, I finally laid it down and moved on with just being joyful. I’m marrying the love of my life in just a few days, and almost everything is ready! We did it! We made it! I keep telling myself “now that we are here, I can focus on fixing my flaws!”

Yeah right! Note to self: no matter how hard you try, you will not be perfect! You will make mistakes! You will hurt people! You will hurt yourself… on multiple occasions and in embarrassing ways! It’s just who you are! Own it! Apologize… even if it’s a 3 year old you’re saying “I’m sorry” to… and try to do better, but try without expecting perfection. But most of all, be the person you want those kids to be.

Even if it means forgiving people who really hurt you.

And here we are.

I have a whole list of people I’ve forgiven, and many, many things I’ve forgiven myself for.

And then I got this letter in the mail this week… a victims statement.

For those of you who don’t know, a year ago, I inadvertently purchased a stolen vehicle. I paid 3 installments on it before someone from the sheriffs department came knocking on my door. I was angry. I was embarrassed. I was hopeless.

The sheriff’s deputy told me that it was unlikely that I would ever be reimbursed for my financial losses. After a few months, however, I did get some of it back. In August, I received a call stating that the owner of the dealership who had conned me had been arrested. “Thank you, Jesus!”

Now, however, instead of being relieved that I could actually get the rest of my money back, I feel this huge burden. Every part of me wants to tell the victims advocate that I forgive this man. That we are all guilty of something and undeserving of grace, but to take it. To forget what he’s done to me and my family and just try to do better and make a positive change.

And then another part of me is thinking “girl, that’s a lot of money that you really need right now.”

Do I though? God provided for us when I had to give the car back. God provided transportation for me and the means to obtain another car. Do I need that money or do I need to be the person I’m trying to teach these kids to be?

I have a page and a half letter written to attach to my victims statement, forgiving him for his crimes, and even inviting him to church with me. Do I have the courage to mail it? Every part of me says “do it! Let it go!” And then my pride is shouting from the back “he hurt you! He deserves to pay for what he did!”

Does he, though? And is it my job to see that he does?