I haven’t written anything in months… not for myself, anyway. What can I say? So much of this year has been one new and unexpected experience after another. I could never have foreseen myself involved in the film industry in any fashion, and yet, here I sit in my car with a finished script in my lap. The weirdness of it all is oddly coincidental in retrospect. Some time ago, I sat in my English 101 class, watching “Rocky” while my professor made claims about how it was one of the best written scripts of all time. Unbeknownst to me, I would find myself eventually sitting at the kitchen table, being given a copy of that same screenplay as an example for writing my first script. And even after writing my first one, I definitely had no idea I would write a longer, more impactful one in less than a year. And yet, here we are.. deep in the filming process with serious investors and prominent players in the industry watching with keen interest as we piece together a dream into reality.
And yet, still, I am unsettled and wary. This isn’t exactly my dream. And it certainly is not for the faint of heart. While our esteemed director continuously praises God for wins and successes, I watch and worry over silent and unmentioned failures and struggles. There are so many facets to this process that go unnoticed from the outside. This is an expensive and time consuming process. It isn’t easy on a family, and it weighs constantly on my spirit.
I try to carry this burden in silence, because I know that Jerry has a lot on his plate right now. He is trying to establish a business, make a film, and build a legacy. I’m just trying to keep it together. I’m torn somewhere between being an adequate business partner and giving as much support as I can, and being a good mother and future-spouse. I often question if I’m doing enough or if my priorities are in the right place, and sometimes I battle with myself that it isn’t really my priorities that are the problem.
There have been so many times during this journey when I’ve let my inherent selfishness win out of loneliness and desperation to be the center of attention. I know that it’s wrong, and it often leads me down a path of self destructive thoughts: I’m helpless in this entire process. I’m in the way. I’m causing drama. I’m screwing up.
Nobody said this would be easy. I have no idea why I keep thinking otherwise.
Jerry said to me yesterday that he spent some time talking to God. He said that he knew what he was meant for, but that he needed a road map.
I feel like I don’t even have a destination, and it’s wearing me down in a way that I’m having trouble keeping to myself. I am in desperate need of something, anything really, to just show me that I have an actual purpose in all of this, and that I’m not just someone’s backup.
I don’t feel needed or useful. And those are two of the things I crave most in life.
I feel like a paycheck and a babysitter, and a chef and a maid.
And I know without a shadow of a doubt that those are not true, that I’m more than that and that I’m valued… but the feeling is still there and nothing I do can shake it. 
Addis Writes About Life 